Living in a sexless marriage will test you physically but even more so emotionally. And while sexless marriages are a lot more common that often believed, it still sucks finding yourself in one.
After all, a person that loves you and wants to spend their life with you should have lots of desire and passion for you, shouldn’t they?
Your partner’s loss of libido will most definitely be hurtful and confusing. The situation could become so difficult to handle that you may even start thinking about divorce. Should you separate because the sex and the passion have gone? Or are there ways to make things better in a last-ditch effort to save your marriage?
Should You Divorce Over a Sexless Marriage?
Talk to Your Partner First!
Before making any important and life-changing decision, you’ll have to talk to your partner.
Separation doesn’t just affect you. It’s also going to impact their life. This is why you have to make sure there’s no way out of the situation before making a radical decision.
Many people who are in a sexless marriage fear bringing up the subject. They worry about what a partner is going to reveal when asked about the current circumstances. Still, an open and honest conversation is the only way forward, no matter how the relationship is going to progress.
If you feel dissatisfied with your sex life, bring that subject up. Chances are that your partner’s clueless about what’s troubling you.
People may lose their sex drive for various reasons. Most often, these have nothing to do with you or with mutual attraction. Taking care of the kids, stress, being overworked and even medical conditions can all be powerful libido killers.
Remaining silent and expecting something to change is not going to work. Instead, grab the bull by the horns and have a raw conversation. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your spouse. Not only that, a talk about the current state of your marriage can bring on powerful positive change.
When to Consider Divorce
Sometimes, regardless of your best intentions, walking away may be the best thing to do.
Divorce is going to benefit both of you in a couple of situations.
For a start, a stubborn refusal and a denial of the situation on your partner’s behalf should both be red flags. If they insist that everything’s fine and they fail acknowledging your feelings, you’ll probably need to start thinking about what’s best for you.
Gaslighting is something else you should never put up with.
The term gaslighting has become quite popular lately but many people are clueless about exactly what it means. In essence, gaslighting refers to a form of powerful manipulation. Its aim is to make you question reality. It is a form of emotional abuse that at its worst is going to make you feel like you’re going crazy.
Someone telling you that the problem’s all in your head, that they desire you but you simply don’t see it or that you’re creating issues out of nothing is a definite form of gaslighting. If your partner is willing to twist reality instead of addressing it, you may be better off on your own.
Gaslighting works through lies and attempts to discredit your perception of the situation. Some people are exceptionally good manipulators. If you’re feeling dissatisfied and unhappy, however, don’t let a partner get you to question the situation. Stick to your guns and insist on some adequate intervention. If they’re not keen to participate, divorce will be the right choice.
A few other instances in which divorce in a sexless marriage is warranted include the presence of other big relationship issues alongside the lack of sex, no communication whatsoever, an overall sensation of you growing distant and cold towards each other, infidelity or ideas about such and the lack of intimacy (you obviously know that sex is just one kind of intimacy. If all other forms have also disappeared, the time has come to re-evaluate your relationship).
Tips on Trying to Save a Sexless Marriage
Saving a sexless marriage is not an easy endeavor. After some time, people start taking each other for granted. Promoting active change in such circumstances isn’t going to be simple but it’s also not impossible.
Many couples find out that they cannot handle the situation on their own.
In such instances, counseling and therapy are warranted. Psychologists who work with couples will suggest many exercises and techniques aimed at rebuilding trust and intimacy. Keep in mind that the process is going to be slow and somewhat demanding. You’re not going to get instant results and both of you will have to be on board in order to make that change happen.
An open discussion about sexual preferences and needs will also be required.
If you push gently, you may find out that your partner’s sexual needs aren’t being met. In such instances, their loss of sexual appetite would be nothing but natural.
It’s never too late to try out something new in the bedroom. Starting out with a few sex toys would provide nice opportunities to spice things up. Silicone dildo reviews and other guides will give you a good idea about the range of products out there. If you’re completely clueless about what to try, such reading materials will come in handy.
Try exploring fantasies and new aspects of each other’s sexuality. Such little experiments will bring the sparks back and make sex exciting once again. Very often, that’s all it would take to reestablish the passion and start having fun as a couple again.
Don’t be afraid of doing stuff like scheduling sex in the very beginning. They say that the appetite comes with eating and the idiom is very much true in the realm of sex. While you may have to “force” it at first, eventually the desire will emerge naturally.
A sexless marriage should give you a reason for divorce only if you don’t see a way out of the situation.
Having your partner acknowledging and recognizing the problem is a good thing. That means they’re concerned about your happiness and wellbeing. Starting the conversation about sexual dissatisfaction is never easy. The eventual outcome of such a talk, however, justifies the few minutes of embarrassment you’ll go through before bringing up the subject.
Here’s one final thing to remember when trying to discuss such a difficult subject. Do not be bitter or accusatory. Putting all of the blame on your significant other will get them to shut down and discontinue the conversation altogether.
Instead, try to be understanding while also presenting your needs and preferences in an honest manner. Let them know that you’re hurt but don’t point a finger. Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Chances are that they have a legitimate reason for the loss of libido. Be an active listener and pay attention to their reasoning. By doing so, you can come up with a roadmap for the future that’s bound to produce change.
Marriages can survive many tough moments. The best ones actually do. The connection between two people is only tested when the going gets tough. Thus, giving up when the first problem comes along isn’t fair to you or your significant other. Do your best to try saving the relationship. In time, you’ll know if change is possible or if you should try to preserve your own wellbeing by seeking a way out.