You know that dreadful feeling after a relationship ends, when you drift between devastation and fear that you will be alone for the rest of your life? You contemplate the should haves and could haves, of your broken heart, half-way wishing you could go back to what was unhealthy, but comfortable?
Then you remember, “Wait, I owe it to myself to figure out why I am sitting here, single again.” Think for a second about what the common denominator of all the failed relationships in your life. I say this with nothing but love, but the common denominator is you.
But it’s ok, because I am here to help you figure out what you can change to get off this dating treadmill that only leaves you with a box of Kleenex on the couch alone with your dog. Not that dogs aren’t great company, but I’m assuming you’re looking for that loving, romantic relationship that is long lasting.
While there’s no magic formula, there are some common behaviors that can unknowingly sabotage your search for a healthy relationship. Let’s investigate five of them and, more importantly, learn strategies to overcome them.
5 Behaviors That Will Keep You Single Forever
1. Ignoring Your Intuition (aka Red Flag Blindness)
That gut feeling that something’s just not right.
Is it a little voice in the back of your mind? Or maybe a tingle in your belly? Possibly the hairs on the back of your neck stand up?
Your body is always talking to you and giving you warning signs about what your intuition is sensing. It can be easy to miss these signs, or worse yet, justify why the red flag warnings are possibly just our imagination.
The Fix: Start paying attention to your intuition. It’s your internal guidance system, trying to protect you. If something feels off, it probably is. Don’t ignore those warnings.
2. Chasing Unavailable Partners
It’s a classic pattern: the emotionally unavailable partner seems mysterious and exciting at first. It is the challenge? Are you a fixer and attract the person who is the most broken, so you have a project? Are they married?
Chasing the unavailable partner will only lead you down the path of rejection. Understanding the why behind this cat and mouse game is crucial to saving your confidence.
Constantly hoping to catch a commitment from someone who is unable to offer you what you seek can be a coping mechanism. Think about it, no one can hurt you if upfront, if they can’t emotionally commit. Meanwhile, it is easy to personalize other people’s behavior.
You can turn yourself inside out wondering what is wrong with you when actually, the only thing wrong with you is hoping to catch the end of a rainbow.
The Fix: Shift your focus to partners who are emotionally available, communicative, and genuinely interested in building a connection with you.
3. Sabotaging Your Happiness
This can manifest in many ways: negative self-talk, self-destructive behaviors, pushing partners away when things get good.
The mind is the most powerful tool. What you think is what you believe, and what you believe is how you show up in your life. A crucial step in finding healthy love is understanding what is holding you back.
Sabotaging your happiness has roots that reach as far back as your childhood. Aspects of this include understanding the role you played in your family dynamics, identifying your attachment style and personality type. It is essential to learn what communication and conflict resolution skills were role modeled to you growing up.
These fundamental methods of building trust in others and within yourself are clear identifiers of who you are attracted to as an adult and how you show up in your romantic relationships. Your level of self-worth and confidence are a direct result of where these deep-seeded roots have led you to where you are today.
The Fix: Address the root causes of your self-sabotaging tendencies. Work on building self-love, self-acceptance, and cultivating a positive internal dialogue.
4. Skipping the Self-Work
We all carry emotional baggage from past experiences. If you haven’t addressed these wounds, they can manifest as unhealthy patterns in your current relationships.
A common statement I hear from my clients as they come through the door and plop down on my couch is, “I have no idea where to start!” I’ve got you.
Taking the first step to invest in yourself is the most important step. You can’t change something that you aren’t aware of and sorting it out alone can be overwhelming.
The Fix: Be willing to dive into the work of self-reflection and healing. Therapy, journaling, or programs like my “Get Relationship Ready” course can provide you with the tools to understand and overcome these challenges.
5. Having Unrealistic Expectations
We all want a fairytale romance, but expecting a relationship to be perfect can set you up for disappointment.
We live in a quick-fix, everything-looks-amazing-through-a-camera-lense, type of culture. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I don’t believe that one person can fulfill all your needs. Placing the idea of perfection on a partner is only turning up the heat on the pressure cooker.
While expectations are healthy, voicing those expectations to a partner and agreeing on a solution is important.
The Fix: Embrace the imperfections. A healthy relationship is a journey, not a destination. Focus on growth, communication, and mutual support.
The Path to Lasting Love
Breaking free from these patterns takes time and effort, but it’s absolutely possible.
Are sick and tired of repeating unhealthy patterns of dating behavior but are feeling stuck not knowing where to begin?
Let’s dive deeper and take the next step toward helping you find lasting love. My “Get Relationship Ready” online course is designed to equip you with the tools and strategies you need to break free from these harmful patterns and create a future filled with healthy, fulfilling love.
Your first step? Connect with me! Reach out via email at [email protected].
By Tami Kiekhaefer, LCSW
Tami Kiekhaefer, LCSW has operated a successful psychotherapy practice since 2002. She provides individual, family and couples therapy around anxiety, depression, domestic violence, trauma, relationships, and empowerment. She has taught workshops and spoken on podcasts guiding people to gain awareness of what is not working in their lives while offering strategies to gain a sense of internal control.
Tami is a certified yoga instructor and weaves concepts of holistic therapy into her clinical work. Combining a body, mind and soul approach, she addresses every angle crucial for stability and peace.
Her book, Preparing for the Jungle: Avoiding Snakes and Pitfalls on the Path to Healthy Love provides hand-on tools required to work through the past, stabilize the present and prepare for a loving relationship. Having experienced her share of heartbreak, Tami’s compassion with real life adds to the richness of her writing.
Imagine being able to sort through the past, stabilize the present, and prepare for the future in a safe and structured environment. Her book and supplemental self-paced course will provide readers the hands-on tools, strategies, and exercises to implement that will change how you see yourself, others, and the course of your life in a positive and empowering way.