Why So Many Friendships Fade In Your 20s

One of the hardest truths you have to swallow is that your friendships fade in your 20s. You may think it's your fault; that you're doing something wrong. But you're not - it's the reality for many of us.

Think about it - you go from seeing your friends constantly in college to barely knowing what's happening in their lives just a few years later. It's no one's fault - we just get wrapped up in work, relationships or family life. It's not as easy to stay in touch when you're not all in the same dorm room with similar schedules.

It feels so weird when friendships that once seemed permanent suddenly become occasional texts, Instagram likes, story replies or birthday catch-ups. A majority of the time, though, this doesn't happen because of a fight or any sort of dramatic falling-out.

The Natural Fade of Friendships in Your 20s

It happens because your 20s are a decade of enormous change, and because of that, friendships often change alongside you. So, if you’ve found yourself wondering where certain friendships went — or why maintaining friendships suddenly feels like work — there are actually a lot of reasons for it. Here are some of them.

You're No Longer Living In The Same Environment

This is probably one of the biggest reasons as to why friendships fade in your 20s. When you're in school and college, friendships are organically built into your environment.

You see the same people every day. You're eating together, in class together, going out together, living close by or even in the same dorm, and so on. But then graduation comes, and everyone scatters.

Some move back home. Others move to different cities or states. Some travel for short or long periods of time. All of a sudden, you have to actively make plans instead of friendships happening organically, and that makes a huge difference.

Everyone starts building a different life

In your 20s, everyone starts making some major life decisions, and usually, it comes at all different speeds. One friend gets zoned in on their career. Another one is focused on traveling.

Someone else is getting married and having kids. Another is headed back to school. Someone's still figuring out what they actually want to do. The other's still going out every weekend.

None of these paths is inherently better - they're all just very different, and different lifestyles create different routines. In your 20s, you learn that routines are what friendship often rely on. As those change, friendships fade.

Your 20s Are When You Really Start Figuring Out Who You Are

The whole decade of your 20s comes with a lot of experimentation. Your interests, values, boundaries, career goals and priorities can change. You start to realize that some friendships you had were largely based on circumstance rather than anything genuine.

Chances are you bonded over partying, school, a workplace or a shared phase of life. Once that commonality disappears, you discover that you really don't have as much in common as you once thought.

On the flip side, though, some friendships actually become stronger. This happens because you realize that you genuinely enjoy each other outside of that shared environment.

Maintaining Friendship Takes More Effort Than It Used To and so they fade

When you're a kid, a teenager, or even in college, you really don't have to schedule a friendship. But in your 20s, you suddenly do. This is because everyone has work, relationships, errands, responsibilities and so on.

“We should hang out sometime!” can genuinely turn into six months of not seeing each other. It doesn't mean you no longer care about each other - people can care and want to stay friends and still be terrible at keeping in touch.

Just remember that there's a huge difference between a friendship fading and a friendship ending. The fading can be because neither person has the time or energy to maintain it but an ending because of resentment or conflict.

Romantic Relationships Can Change Your Friendships

This is something that many people don't want to admit - but in reality, it's so true. New relationships can naturally take up a lot of your time. In turn, other friendships fade.

A friend who used to be available every weekend may now spend much of that time with their partner. Then, there are those friends who unintentionally disappear into relationships.

Another thing? Friendships can also change when friends have very different relationship statuses, too. Sometimes a fading friendship means that person has made room for someone else in their life.

You Start Becoming More Selective About Who Gets Your Time

Your 20s teach you that you don't have unlimited time or energy. It's not selfish of you, it's reality. You may stop wanting friendships that feel one-sided, competitive, judgmental or exhausting... and all of that is OK and healthy!

When you're younger, having a large friend group can feel important. As you get older, you really realize that it's about the quality - not the quantity - that matters.

You care more about having a handful of people in your corner that you genuinely trust. This can mean intentionally letting certain friendships fade rather than spending your time constantly trying to revive them.

Sometimes You Don't Actually "Lose" The Friendship - It Just Changes

And sometimes, we take this change as a loss, when it shouldn't be. Not everyone friendship needs to remain as close as it was at 19; that's not realistic for many.

Some friendships become a "we talk every few months but pick right back up" type of friendships rather than talking daily. Other friendships become holiday/birthday friendships.

They're still friendships - just a different version. Some people remain important to you even if they're no longer part of your everyday life, and vice versa. A friendship can have been meaningful even if it wasn't mean to last forever.

Final Thoughts on Why Friendships Fade in Your 20s

Now that you know the reasons friendships can fade in your 20s, it's important to ask yourself if you actually want a friendship back or not. Ask yourself things like if you genuinely miss the person, or if you just miss you who were when you were friends.

Think about if the friendship's still mutually beneficial for you both. Once you really think about the answers to these questions, you'll know if it's really worth it to continue investing in that friendship.

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