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No need to fight dirty: How to handle a roommate with different cleaning habits

Dirty dishes

You had always been relaxed about keeping a squeaky clean room. You didn’t feel much of a need to see the vacuum more than once a month. Your bookshelves weren’t limited to just books, but contained a helter-skelter array of belongings. The ‘rents didn’t mind and your siblings were just as chillax as you were. You were perfectly happy with your easy-going approach to life, thank you very much.

Then you grew up and moved out. You found the perfect roomie and the most darling little townhouse. Everything was going great – until your roommate started rearranging your books in alphabetical order and tagging you in posts on how to scrub a floor.

What gives?

Looks like you are rooming with someone who has your opposite cleaning personality. So what do you do? Don’t worry; you don’t need to become a Merry Maid overnight or start looking for new digs. Here are three steps to making peace when a roommate has different cleaning habits from yours.

1. Confront and Communicate

Yes, you must actually speak to your roommate about what’s going on. Passive-aggressive behavior will not only perpetuate the problem, but it may also aggravate it. Case in point: As a college sophomore I roomed with a girl whose cleanliness habits were absolutely foreign to me. She was as chill as I was OCD. She noticed that I got upset when she didn’t clean up, but I didn’t know how to confront her about it. So she not only continued the behavior, but started doing it on purpose in order to push me to my limits.

OK fine, so we were both pretty immature about the whole deal, but the thing is you won’t solve anything unless you actually open that can of worms (albeit as gently as possible).

So how do you confront your roommate?

Don’t start out telling her that she’s wrong. Explain how the situation is making you feel and why it is affecting you. Rather than just, “Can’t you wash your dishes when you’re done eating?” try, “I know you’ve got a crazy class schedule this semester and that can be pretty stressful, but do you think we can alternate nights to wash the dishes? It’s tough for me to feel organized when the room is messy.”

2. Understand

Make a conscious effort to understand where she’s coming from. Most likely her cleanliness habits are directly related to her inborn personality or the way she was raised. Either way you’re not going to be able to wave your magic wand and “fix” her so that she sees the light of your ways.

Ask her how she feels about the situation. Does she have any suggestions to live more harmoniously? Does she feel frustrated by your expectations?

A compromise cannot be reached until you both understand each other. It’s important to keep a humble and objective attitude and remember that you might be the one who’s being unreasonable! At the same time take care not to be a doormat. It’s tempting to sidestep conflict, but don’t throw out your own needs and standards just because your roommate was raised by hoarders.

3. Solve and Compromise

What can be done about it? Decide on a solution together. Get to the point where you’re both comfortable working out details and schedules. Would a check list help? Maybe designate one night a week where you both do a full-scale cleaning of the room? Whatever it is, make sure to iron out specifics; avoid a vague resolution like “I’ll try not to be as anal about straightening up.”

Rooming with someone who has different cleaning habits than you do is not an insurmountable problem. In fact, in the long run it can help both of you to develop communication skills, exercise compassion and understanding, and let go of unhealthy desires to control every detail of your lives. However, if you have a choice in the matter, never room with someone who cannot deal with conflict. You can follow all the constructive communication rules in the book, but if dear ol’ roomie refuses to listen, there’s only so much that can be done.

Remember: You can only change yourself.

About the Author

Clare Behe

Clare holds a B.A. in History from Christendom College. She enjoys philosophy, personal style, Oscar Wilde, and ancient history. Her long-term career goal is to be an editor for a meaningful publication. Along the way, she would also love to creatively use her love of drawing for a good cause.