Honey, We’re Home

Establishing a family residence is a huge, beautiful step between committed companions, and it marks the beginning of a lifetime spent calling the same place home. As such, your shared abode should feel like exactly that: home for both of you individually and as a couple. Whether you’re already cohabitating or are moving in together only after the wedding, when you make this new commitment to set down roots, it’s the perfect opportunity to do so in style.

Realizing a dream home that’s mature, aesthetically pleasing, comfortable, and representative of a union requires a lot of care and collaboration.

As a lifestyle and design journalist, I’ve had the great privilege of being invited into the homes of folks from myriad walks of life, among them renowned artists, architects, actors, musicians, chefs, and entrepreneurs. Through my interviews, I’ve been able to take a peek into the private lives of creative couples and their expressive, unique homes. I’ve also had the honor of picking the brains of some of the world’s leading interior designers, learning about their philosophies, processes, and inspirations. These special encounters have taught me that authenticity, above all, is the secret to an undeniably charming, one-of-a-kind home that not only supports one’s lifestyle but also enriches it.

Given my background, when I moved in with my now husband, I felt confident and clear about the direction for our shared home. I had packed up my life and moved numerous times before, and in each case was able to settle myself into a new phase with ease. I quickly realized, however, that this was unlike starting afresh on my own. It seems like a no-brainer in retrospect, but grasping that my partner was coming to our new house with his own expectations and belongings—many, many belongings—was tougher for me than I’d like to admit. I’ve always been someone who cares deeply about my surroundings, holding the belief that the spaces in which we exist have the power to alter our well-being, so the thought of losing control of my habitat shook me a bit. Unbeknownst to me then, my partner felt the same. This cheerful new beginning soon morphed into a minefield of quarrels and stress, layered with an overwhelming number of questions to ask, decisions to make, and compromises to reach.

Thankfully, it didn’t take us long to understand that the only road to success was a two-way street. We had always referred to ourselves as teammates, calling on each other through thick and thin, and overcoming this hurdle was no different. After all, our endgame was the same: an attractive home that made us feel relaxed and contented; where we could both see ourselves represented as individuals and continue to nurture our relationship. We would take on the design of our home as a united front, one step at a time, and embrace the project as a wonderful opportunity to learn more about each other and grow closer.

That fruitful experience produced our enchanting newlywed home, which we still reminisce about today, and laid the groundwork for my book The Newlywed Home: A Couple’s Guide to Setting Up House with Style. My goal with this book is to get you, as a pair, on the same page—in every sense of the expressiot.

As you design your home, and, frankly, take life on together hereafter, you will inevitably face conundrums and disagreements. In these instances, I have found that two things are key: keeping your lines of communication open, and never losing sight of the love and respect you have for each other. Practice active listening without interrupting, take turns sharing perspectives, and be as open as you can be to what your partner has to say.

Discovering a Shared Vision

Merging your styles into one cohesive home can be a challenge, but with both parties up to it, the creative process of uncovering your shared design identity will be a fulfilling and worthwhile experience. One engaging way to start is by constructing your own mood boards for your new home.

First, independently find images that speak to you and create a physical or digital collage to represent your styles and goals. The images can include interior design photographs, furniture and product ads, movie stills, artworks, quotes—anything that represents your idea of home. As you browse around, check in with yourselves to ask whether you are being inspired or influenced. Design trends are inevitable and not necessarily taboo—if you really love something, don’t worry about whether it’s trendy or not; trust your gut. But you still want to discern if something is authentic to you or if your interest is based on short-term commercial hype.

Once you’re both satisfied with your assemblages, show each other your mood boards. Compare them side by side and find the ties that bind. Think of this step as creating a Venn diagram of your aesthetics and ideas about comfort, allowing you to reveal the stylistic middle ground that will become the foundation of your home. Then merge your compatible ideas—anything that would fall in the intersection of your Venn diagram—into a new visual layout to use as your master blueprint. If you see that there is a clear common denominator like a design style or color scheme, your path will be more straightforward, but if you have very different points of view, you will need to collaborate more closely to mix and match your preferences until they make sense to you. Maybe that looks like traditional furniture paired with ultramodern art; muted textiles set against dramatic wallpaper; or a blend of two design styles in a carefully curated color palette. Get creative and stay open-minded about what you can accomplish, and if what you’re imagining is something you haven’t seen before, take it as a testament to your originality as a couple. After all, true style tends to come not from adhering to one boilerplate look but rather from layering different yet complementary visuals.

Naturally, there will still need to be compromises on both sides, so be prepared to let go of ideas if they do not mesh well with your partner’s or serve your shared vision. And if you ever feel totally stuck, go out into the world.

Browse the home goods stores, hotels, and restaurants you are most drawn to and have productive discourse about what you like and don’t like until you find pieces that inspire you both, then take it from there.

SETTING THE TONE FOR YOUR HOME

In order to collaborate creatively and uncover your blended idea of home, you will need to be honest and open-minded with each other at every step of the process, including at the very start. Here are a few questions to ask each other to spark inspiration and get the ball rolling on this new endeavor. As you dig deeper and share your thoughts, know that there are no right or wrong answers, and that by staying true to yourselves, you will create an authentic aesthetic that, like your relationship, will stand the test of time.

Which residence from your past felt most like “home”?

What about creating a home together are you most looking forward to?

How would you describe your ideal home in just three words?