Depression

Dear twenty-somethings,

The past two months have been sobering, literally. I have not fully explained to you about my past or why I feel like the timing for a relationship isn’t right. I’ve mentioned about my struggle with alcohol, about how it was holding me back from things I wanted to do and the person I wanted to be.

When I drank, I slept with people I would never want to sober, I would make out with boys if I was bored and drunk text guys awkward things. I got slapped with reality when I almost got kicked out of my parents house drunkenly bringing a stranger back home and then having an emotional breakdown. I was creating this life that was working against me. I still had no savings and nothing to show for the years I worked, the only thing that was growing was my waist line and the number of guys I slept with.

I was given a necessary ultimatum, it was either alcohol or my family. I want to explain something about how I got to this point, with myself and my family; I have battled with depression since I was sixteen and I developed, what I like to call, an addictive personality. I started on anti-depressants about two years ago and you are not supposed to drink alcohol while taking them. So I would sporadically take them whenever my drinking schedule allowed. My drinking and need to have sex with any guy that wanted me was due to my insane lack of self-confidence and sense of direction.

Depression feels like this really big, dark deep hole that whenever you take a step up to get out of, you get swallowed back up and it feels hopeless. It’s loneliness, it’s debilitating sadness, it’s uncontrollable and it takes the light out of you.

I honestly felt unfixable for the longest time. I felt that I was a lost cause and I was going to end up alone still fucked in the head. The medication stabilized my erratic mood swings and helped me be a bit more level-headed. Anti-depressants are not a magical pill that will make you motivated to finally do everything you wanted to do, it just makes getting through the day easier.

My family has been this one constant in my life, no matter how badly I messed up and how much I complained about feeling stuck, they tried everything they could to help. I would have given up on myself a long time ago without them. Moving back home was a salvation tactic, I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing.

I was feeling suicidal and felt if I didn’t do something different this would be the end for me. Things didn’t really go as planned when I moved in, I still drank and slept with guys – just not as often. Then the night of the ultimatum happened and that was it, I had to make a choice. Either I stop drinking and really try to be better or I become homeless and lose my family.

It has been two months since the last time I was drunk and it is getting easier to look myself in the mirror everyday. I got a second job to help save for a condo of my own, which I just bought and move into next fall. I have a savings account, I’ve lost weight, and gained back some dignity and faith. I can honestly say that I never thought I would be here; on the way to a life of my own. It hasn’t been easy, I feel like I’m failing constantly, but I’ve come this far and I know I can be better and that keeps me going.

Mental health is something that I hold so close to my heart and I don’t take it lightly. It almost wrecked me and my relationship with my family. Depression was something that I thought I would never be able to crawl out of, but here I am moving forward. I’m hoping that if someone who is struggling with mental health like I have is reading this, they won’t give up no matter how painful it gets.

On the road to betterment I have lost an entire group of friends and a good chunk of my social life. This was a hard acceptance but a necessary one. I cried about it for just one night; about the people that I had to let go because once I stopped drinking I became non-existent to them, about how I thought I was missing out and how I felt forgotten about.

Once I had that pity party out of my system I moved on. You realize who is actually important to you when you go through something like this. My group of ‘friends’ went from 20 to three. I also knew that I wasn’t missing out on anything special. It would have been another night of me getting hammered, having sex with a dude with a beard, then getting McDonald’s at 2am followed by a debilitating hangover the next day. Dibs out.

Growing up has been hard for me but I’m starting to see light and have positive goals to focus on. Getting a second job has not only provided me with  a second income but also a distraction from all the Wastey “Wednesdays” and “Thirsty Thursdays” I used to participate in. 

For the first time in what feels like an eternity I feel like I have a chance, like life isn’t one deep dark pit just waiting to chew me up and spit me out.

I wish for love everyday, but I know life won’t give it to me until I am ready. Love is something I am always willing to receive but until I am a whole enough person again, I can’t give someone the love they need.

Until then, I am going to keep working  and busting my ass for the things I want. I was put here for a reason and I am not about to give up on finding what that purpose is.

Until next time,

Jane


Jane is a twenty-something living and dating in a big city. After her fair share of missed connections and awkward encounters, she’s ready for her happy-ever-after. But all is fair in love and war, so she’s here to share the good, the bad, the dirty, and the eye-opening with you … anonymously. Read more from Jane here.
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