Dear twenty-somethings,

Right now it is snowing profusely where I live and the temperature is about as a cold as my feelings are towards potential boyfriends. Christmas is approaching and there is nothing a single girl wants more than an eggnog latte and a snuggle buddy. Logically, if a boyfriend isn’t available at this time we drop all standards and scrape the bottom of our hook up barrel.

I loathe the term “friends with benefits.” It covers all manners of sin. As it can sometimes be a comfort, it can more so be a pain. In fact, the idea of it makes me want to curl into a bucket of KFC more than anything else.

For anonymity’s sake – I will call friends with benefits #1 Ben. We’ve been friends for more than eight years and we’ve had a good thing going with heading to the bedroom out of comfort, loneliness, or just pure need. He doesn’t think I’m entirely crazy and I don’t think he’s entirely a jerk. As the years have gone on, I’ve tended to wonder if he’s in my life for a reason – we couldn’t be compatible for this long and have it not mean something more right? Wrong. This thinking is a sure-fire way to lead yourself down the path of broken hearted-ness. He would end up cheating on me and I would go full frontal nuts over it. Sometimes it’s best not to question a good thing. Sometimes you’d rather keep the friend than the benefit.

Friends with benefits #2 we will call George. You meet someone through a different friend group and you find out he’s your age and just so happens to be a virgin. You kind of like him and you’re in the mood to be an educator so what do you do? Naturally you take his virginity and expect him to ask you out. Once again, this is incorrect. I thought I did George a service and I get repaid with the line “we should just stay friends.” This is the kind of friend with benefits you leave alone. There was really nothing there for you – you only went there because you’re desperate for some great love story. You dinged, then donged, and now you ditch.

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Regardless, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that no matter how much I try to put myself out there and be nothing but honest it’ll never be enough. Only a couple years ago when I was at my most dishonest and defiant phase I would have at least three men in my life I could call on. Now that I am more confident, wise, and secure, I can’t even get a virgin to ask me out. Is moving forward really what it’s all cracked up to be? The only thing that leaving my past behind has left me is with a lot less prospects and a bigger self-esteem problem.

In the spirit of trying new things I went on two dates with two men I met on eHarmony. Now, I love coffee, but hate coffee dates. Nothing could be more awkward than being in a sober environment and not clicking with someone for over an hour. That sums up date number one with tall, dark, and boring. Date number two was better – he was an opinionated chatter box that loved talking about his art, his writing and everything that was him. He took me out for dinner and we also mostly talked about super heroes. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good gush session about Robert Downey Jr., just not with someone that mixes plaid with a brown pinstripe jacket and reeks of mental superiority. No girl likes to feel inferior.

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So today, while I’m sitting here at my day job daydreaming, I’m wondering why I can’t bring myself to respond to any more men on this site. I have pages and pages of guys that want to get to know more about me so isn’t this what I wanted – the intimacy of a friend without the complication of the benefit?  For someone to be more interested in me and not just the sex? Maybe it’s that you create these facades on your profile to make yourself sound desirable. Then, you go on dates and try to be that person that loves hiking and socially drinks only once a week. You go through all this effort to be the girl you think every guy wants only to be rejected by a “You’re a great girl, but…” text. That is what makes this whole online dating process hard and disheartening. It can then in turn make you call up your oh-so reliable ex for a pick me up (or maybe that’s just me).

I could try acting like the unavailable man – receiving but never giving and see how many men end up groveling at my feet. I could also scratch the whole heartless bitch idea and go for another friend, “Dan” – a boy who has never strayed far from my life who is patiently waiting for me to come to my senses.  He is sweet, reliable, and smart and I am not sexually attracted to him whatsoever. Why do we modern day women reject the idea of sweet and honest and go for the guy that is dirty talking to other girls on Facebook while calling us to say goodnight? Our generation constantly reblogs love gifs on Tumblr or Pinterest show casing a great love story involving Mr. Sweet & Honest, but in real life, they just don’t seem to be our type. My excuse is that I’m waiting for some great, big, inconvenient, instantaneous love and I’m refusing to settle for anything less. I feel like every time I say this and put it out into the world, I’m digging my own loveless grave complete with four dogs and every season of Grey’s Anatomy. Every time I refuse to settle I’m upping my ante to get that big win and I’ll either win it all or lose it all.

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Until next time,