Beautiful

Dear twenty-somethings,

As I am starting to get a little taste of summer through these glimpses of spring sunshine I’m excited for all my travel plans. House boating, Vegas, and British Columbia are all on my horizon and it makes a girl question if she wants an ol’ ball and chain kicking around. As I am routinely spring cleaning my make-up drawers and closet space, I feel like a good clean scrubbing of the dating slate is a must as well.

This past March has included exactly one panic attack, two nights of non-committal sex, and two offers of a serious relationship. So, let me tell you about my mental freak out which is most likely reason #38498 why I am single. The panic attack happened in correlation with one of the relationship ‘proposals’ which sounds backwards. I have wanted a relationship for the past year and here is this cute guy I have known for years who finally got his life in semi-order and is telling me that he wants ‘us’ to happen. How fabulous! Right? Apparently my oh-so mentally stable mind didn’t think so. Having someone say all these perfect things to me completely freaked me out. I excused myself out of the restaurant to get some air and started crying and hyperventilating. I have been thinking a lot about that night trying to figure out what had happened and why what he was saying sent off my crazy alarm. My intuition kept telling me he was full of it, I have learnt that perfect lines and poetic verbs mean nothing. Still, that’s no reason for such a dramatic reaction. I finally figured that honestly, I am not ready for a relationship. Here was this decent guy offering me some semi-tangible evidence of a future together and all I was thinking was I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this. At least I’m hoping it was those reasons and I’m not just insane heading for a life of solo bingo nights and uppers.

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The second offer wasn’t nearly as melodramatic, it was by a young boy (I say boy because anyone younger than me I consider a child – I’m pompous like that). He is very sweet and I have kept him around for my convenience/boredom and now he is infatuated with me. So that completely backfired. I told him gently that I was not looking for a relationship and started to wean him out of my life slowly and that too, has backfired. I am now getting “I miss seeing you,” “Why aren’t we hanging out anymore?,” “I can bring over my bunny and we can snuggle?” texts and Facebook messages. Moral of the story, don’t date guys with bunnies and don’t date anyone who is 18 when you’re in your twenties. I’m not proud of this one, guys.

My nights of casual sex while being single are something that I have never been embarrassed about admitting. I am not a big believer in the whole tradition of women being ladies when it comes to the topic of sex; I tend to be loose with the tight lipped subject. I’m not a full-out one night stand girl –I do not go to bars and go home with strangers I met that night. That whole idea makes me uncomfortable. Instead, I opt for people I have known for years and trust. We just have this strange, unspoken agreement that we sometimes have sex and there is no commitment there but friendship. It’s really handy, actually. So of course this gives a promiscuous air about me; being called ‘slutty’ just seems to roll off peoples tongues nowadays. When I was younger, at the peak of my teenage instability and depression, I was a lot worst then with boys. I was careless and did not respect myself or who I slept with. I feel like that reputation of things past still follows me around. It is unfortunate, but I have come to forgive myself for being so green.

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Now, when a rude name is thrown my way name I just roll with it. We all have different comfort zones when it comes to this subject. Some can’t even say the word sex out loud while others, like me, freely talk about it and enjoy sex even while single. I have come to realize that the ones who drop the ‘whore’ or ‘slut’ bombs are the ones usually not comfortable with the subject. It has taken me a really long time to not let those words get under my skin and take them to heart. I just keep reminding myself to each their own.

I am taking spring as kind of a fresh start. I am still sticking my whole plan of working on self-love and only accepting real dates, I’m just hitting the delete button on my current list of men.  I love this quote from Nayyirah Waheed: “I am mine before I am ever anyone else’s.”  It sums up the purpose of a twenty-something’s love life. This decade is notorious for throwing all our love and independence into one man who then – SURPRISE – leaves us. I do not ever want to be left feeling hopeless again and I don’t think I am quite at that spot yet (hence panic attack). Nothing scares me more than feeling crazy and alone again after a break up. I use that fear as motivation to keep working on my independence and building a life of my own. It is the first time in a long time I am not worried about where my next guy is and if I will ever find the one. It is beautifully liberating and I highly recommend it.

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Until next time,

Jane