The Last Page

All I’m saying is don’t give up, you’re getting so close
All I’m saying is don’t give up, it’s the right way you chose
(“Everything Fades”, Poets of the Fall)

I knew going into this piece that it would be the last in this series. While I’m still learning and growing and exploring along this path, I’m at a loss to consistently write a column on spirituality that will have meaning for anyone but myself. I had it all planned out, too: it’s the seventh piece, so I was going to research the symbolism of the number 7 and transition into symbolism in general, and then wrap things up in a tidy bow.

As is often the case in life, especially when you’ve just gone through a cross-country move, you occasionally make mistakes.  I realized as I sat down to write that this was the sixth installment, not the seventh. Poof! Bye bye outline.

I thought about shoehorning in a post about symbolism anyway, as a quick search revealed that the number 6 holds basketfuls of meaning, such as enlightenment and harmony. I could have written an entire piece on that alone. But this is the end of this stage of the journey, and while that very well plays into the symbolism behind the number 6, it doesn’t feel right.

I recently finished a YA novel called Converting Kate, by Beckie Weinheimer. After the death of her father, Kate begins to doubt the fundamentalist teachings of the church her mother raised her in. My favorite parts of the book involved her interactions with a young agnostic minister. When Kate expresses doubts about God and spirituality, he says: “Maybe our lives are actually meant to be experienced in the half dark. Not knowing all the answers. Being open. Questioning.  Always searching, but never being finished. And maybe not knowing the answers to all the cosmic questions can actually make us kinder, more accepting, and more loving.”

The pastor’s words–Beckie Weinheimer’s words–have stayed with me in the days since I read the last page. When I began writing this article series, I was terrified of what I didn’t know, what I will never know. Part of me still is. Though that terror no longer lurks in every dark corner, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s there, waiting. Maybe it will be there for the rest of my life. I hope not; all I can do, though, is carry on and focus on what I do know, what I can do for myself in each moment, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

What will I do now?  I’m not too sure. I’m going to carry on exploring my connection to a feminine spiritual presence. I will still update Twitter, my blog, and Pinterest with tidbits I pick up along the way. I want to focus on those three things–kindness, acceptance and love–bringing them into my life in abundance.  I want to continue to be open to the idea of something bigger than myself, whether I explore that connection through prayer or mindfulness or something I haven’t even thought of yet.

We hear it all the time, that it’s about the journey, not the endpoint. And while I’m still a little jittery, I feel more at peace with myself, with the world. With the unknown? That’s a work-in-progress. But there is progress.

As we journey through our lives, I hope we all find our spiritual centers. Ultimately, though, I think the important thing is that we try. That we question, we search, we look, like Kate, beyond what we know to something that might be better, or maybe just different, but more in tune with who we are.

I wish you well on the journey. Thank you, every one of you, for seeing me off on mine.

And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I supposed to say
I can’t change the world
But I can change the world in me
If I rejoice
(“Rejoice” U2)


This article is Part VI in a series on re-discovering spirituality as a twenty-something by Victoria Fry. Catch up on Part IPart IIPart IIIPart IV, and Part V.

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