Control

Dear twenty-somethings,

There seems to be this very fine line of hazardous situations in my life that if I ever cross or get near, I lose perception of everything else going on around me. It can all start when I hook up with someone that I normally would not, drink too much for a couple weeks, and shed a layer of dignity or spend money like it’s going out of style. I start to bail on work, let my room turn into disaster mode, distract my reality by gorging on scary movies. I start to feel uncomfortable, antsy, itching for positivity and order. Before I know it, I lose all progress in my life that I prided myself on.

I do not know how many times I have said I am turning things around, I am focusing on me, or told myself that I am worth it. Preaching self-love is a great start but that is just it – just a start. It is the action part that really kicks you in the ass. Staying in to focus on homework while your friends are all out on patios drinking Sangria or at a music festival is pretty brutal. It tests your patience with yourself and let me tell you, I am not a patient person or am I hard to convince that a party is where I’d rather be than at home. 

I am now in the process of getting my life back in order after this past month – scrubbing the vomit off my toilet seat and getting work done. We have this big rodeo festival where I live and it is a party 24/7 for 10 days straight. It is a city tradition and I look forward to it every year. Of course this leads to many a night of drunken stupors, REALLY bad decisions, and twenty dollar bills that you have no idea what you did with.

You don’t go to the ‘Biggest outdoor show in the world’ to find a boyfriend or someone to date. The common phrase around this time is ‘It’s not cheating if you’re stampeding!’ Charming, isn’t it? Men prowl for women in short-shorts and half their boobs exposed while women swoon over men in cowboys hats. Lately, I seem to be a magnet for married or taken men. It is pretty disheartening when the only guys you meet have girlfriends or a work colleague who is married kisses you. Naturally this only adds to my worry of being in a relationship because no one seems to be faithful. 

Right before my city’s festival, I went house boating in British Columbia. It was beautiful, amazing, fun, wonderful, ridiculous, scary, and just all in all, it was a blast. At night you have to beach the boat and they have beaches known for people who like to party. Obviously my friends and I decided to go there and we met so many people. Strangers were coming onto our boat and vice versa and everyone played beer pong together and ate together – it was such a great atmosphere.

Since this is me we are talking about, I of course picked up a stalker (not to sound conceited, I just tend to attract creeps). I met him in the hot tub of another boat and he just kept staring at me, complimenting me, telling me that I couldn’t deny that I wanted him too (by the way that line NEVER works). I left the hot tub out of annoyance and he followed me back to my house boat. It was really creepy and I had to have a ‘bodyguard’ for the rest of the night. Regardless, it was such a great trip and I 100% recommend house boating.

Up next on my summer adventures list is Vegas! I have never been and I only expect grand and amazing things, and I hope to live through it. After that I have a friend’s wedding I will be attending, my first wedding of the season. I will be going dateless and I could care less, I would rather be single than have a philandering boyfriend – been there, done that.

This summer has been a lot better than I anticipated; being boyfriend-less hasn’t left me in a state of feeling like a perma-spinster. Some nights, though, it does get to me. I lay awake until one in the morning deliberating why I only find guys that want sex and when I find someone who wants more I run (sometimes literally). Then I remember that it will happen when I am ready – when I am no longer getting sick after a third night of drinking, when I don’t let married or engaged men kiss me and when I actually remember what I spent my money on.

I still have a lot of growing up to do and the life I would want to share with someone is still pretty far off. I am constantly being a work in progress and right now that doesn’t bother me – as long as it is all heading in the direction of progress.

Until next time,

Jane

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